


And the Prince Fell in Love With the Dwarf... or Something

by Angel_of_the_Axis



Category: Yu-Gi-Oh! Duel Monsters (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Background Relationships, Crack Relationships, Crack Treated Seriously, Fairy Tale Parody, Fairy Tale Retellings, Gen, Humorous Ending, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Magic Mirrors, Minor Character Death, No Mazaki Anzu | Tea Gardner Bashing, Snow White Elements, The Evil Queen isn't Evil y'all she's misunderstood, The Narrator is a Little Shit, Unreliable Narrator, Why Did I Write This?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-01
Updated: 2020-07-01
Packaged: 2021-03-05 02:27:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,282
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25016974
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Angel_of_the_Axis/pseuds/Angel_of_the_Axis
Summary: A humorous retelling of Snow White that doesn't quite go according to plan.Princess Miho (AKA Snow White) gets left behind in a forest by her stepmother's most trusted huntsman with the instructions to stay put until he comes back. Fittingly enough, the 16-year-old princess is awful at listening and even more awful at staying out of trouble. Luckily, she finds a house to rest at belonging to seven dwarf brothers! ... They aren't dwarves, you say? Well, whatever they are, at least they're friendly.Fasten your seatbelts, ladies and gents, because this is gonna be one hell of a ride!
Relationships: Atem & Mazaki Anzu | Tea Gardner, Atem/Mutou Yuugi, Bakura Ryou/Yami Bakura, Jounouchi Katsuya | Joey Wheeler/Kaiba Seto, Kaiba Mokuba & Kaiba Seto, Marik Ishtar/Yami Marik, Mazaki Anzu | Tea Gardner & Nosaka Miho, Yami Bakura & Kujaku Mai | Mai Valentine, Yami Bakura & Mazaki Anzu | Tea Gardner
Comments: 5
Kudos: 26





	And the Prince Fell in Love With the Dwarf... or Something

Once upon a time, in a kingdom far, far away, there lived a prosperous kingdom deep in the heart of the mountains. Ruling over it was a kind- er, _narcissistic_ , and benevolent- uh, I mean, _malignant_ , king, King Bakura. Beside him was his kind and lovely wife, Queen Mai. The two ruled the land peacefully for many years, but as they wore on they became anxious to have a child. Seasons came and went, and yet they still had no heir. The royal couple was becoming anxious... but one day, they were visited by an enchantress.

* * *

Bakura huffed a sigh, flipping a page in his book. It was the latest in the 'Ye Olde Duele Monsters' comic series, and he'd been waiting forever to read it.

Mai sat beside him, fanning herself with an ornate folding fan. She wore a lavish purple dress that sparkled in the afternoon sun. She rolled her eyes at Bakura, instead resting the back of her head against the lounge chair, her golden tiara slipping a little.

"Ugh, I'm so booooored," Mai groaned, making Bakura shoot her an annoyed look. "Why do we have to be stuck inside on a nice day like today? I need to work on my summer tan."

"Well why don't you go outside and work on the tan, then," Bakura huffed, rolling his eyes as he went back to his book.

"You're boring. I'm bored." The blonde glowered at him, putting the fan away. "I'm gonna go do not-boring things. Have fun being boring."

As if on cue, a knock was heard at the door.

Bakura shouted, "Enter!" and a woman dressed in a long, trailing tan robe sauntered towards them. The hood over her head shadowed her face, but her long, black hair was visible underneath. She bowed to both of them before speaking.

"Greetings, your highnesses." Ishizu spoke in a soft, alluring voice. "I have come here to give you great news. On this date one year hence, you will have the child you so desire."

"Finally," Mai sighed, sending Bakura a glance. "Ten bucks it's a girl."

"What?" Bakura sputtered. "I am the _king_! And I say it'll be a boy!"

"Please, I have motherly instincts," Mai scoffed back.

The enchantress felt her eye twitch. "Can... can I finish?"

"Oh, excuse me, sorry." The white-haired man lazily waved a hand. "Go ahead."

"Ahem." She cleared her throat and pulled out a bottle. "I _was_ going to say that all you need to do is put a few drops of this in your bathwater, and you'll be able to conceive."

Mai took the bottle with a grin. "Sweet."

With that, the enchantress took her leave, mumbling something about 'unorthodox and rude royalty'.

* * *

True to her word, by next spring, the king and queen welcomed a princess into the world. The kingdom rejoiced with the king and queen at the arrival of their daughter, with hair as fair as fresh winter snow and cheeks red as a summer rose. The king and queen called her Snow White (Mai was high on painkillers, and Bakura just didn't care).

* * *

Mai rose the infant up in her arms, studying her daughter face for a moment before turning to the king with a snarky grin. "I have the sneaking suspicion that _someone_ owes me ten bucks."

"You cheated," Bakura grumbled as he fished out the ten dollars, slapping them in her awaiting palm. "You cheated me out of ten dollars, and I will not rest until I find out how."

"Pfft. Get used to it, bud." Mai laughed. She paused for a moment after the sound of breaking wind, sniffing the air with a wrinkled nose. "Oh, gross. I forgot babies could be so disgusting."

"Well, she's all yours," Bakura saluted her before rushing out the door.

"YOU ASSHOLE!" Mai roared in his direction. It only succeeded in making the baby start crying. "Ugh, not you too."

* * *

Unfortunately, by that winter, the queen died of a mysterious illness.

* * *

She looked up in bewilderment. "Are you kidding me? What, I only get to be here for like, five minutes and then I kick the bucket? What kind of fairy tale is this?"

* * *

... The queen died of _food poisoning_. It was sushi.

* * *

"Oh, you mother FU-"

Mai suddenly collapsed onto the bed, dead.

Snow White just babbled, reaching for Mai's long golden hair. She tugged it painfully, but Mai didn't even stir.

* * *

The king was distraught over his beloved wife's death, and was only consoled by his infant daughter, his pride and joy.

* * *

Bakura stood there, holding baby Snow White in his arms, looking mildly offended.

"I did _not_ come back to the living world in a human body just to be stuck taking care of a baby," he scoffed. "I am the legendary king of thieves, not some common housewife."

Snow White gurgled, grabbing a lock of his long white hair. She tugged it painfully, and Bakura hissed in pain, giving her a scathing look.

"Wretched thing," he muttered, trying to yank it out of her grip. Her chubby fists ought to have been made of iron, because she wasn't letting go. "Let go of my hair!"

Snow White just laughed, pulling again. Great amusement was had at the expense of her irate father.

"I swear, when I find another wife, I'm gonna leave and never come back!"

* * *

Come next spring, he remarried to a noblewoman called Anzu. She was perfect in every way: beautiful, intelligent, and clever. The king was delighted in her, as Anzu was delighted in her stepdaughter.

* * *

Anzu took the baby and cooed at her. "Aww, she's so cute! I'm good with kids."

"Thank. Ra." Bakura grumbled, walking off and untying his ponytail. "She's all yours."

"Wha- hey!" Anzu took care to shield the baby's ears as she shouted after him, "she's _your_ daughter!"

Bakura simply responded with the middle finger, making her exclaim in anger.

Snow White reached for Anzu's hair, but the young woman instead poked her finger into the baby's fist. She seemed dissatisfied with this and let go, looking away with a disappointed huff.

* * *

As the years passed, Snow White grew up to be a lovely young woman under the guidance of her parents (well, mostly her stepmother). She was every bit as beautiful as her mother, yet with a kind and timid aura that drew people to her like a moth to flame. The one thing she hated, however, was her name. So she changed it to Miho, because she thought her parents were weirdos for naming her after a color. Not like she would understand, because her father is gone all the time and her mother is dead.

* * *

Little Miho stepped out into the garden, humming a tune. She smiled at the flowers, hiking up her skirts so that she could walk amongst them.

The servants stopped and watched as she passed them by, adoring looks on their faces. She gave them a shy wave, and they waved back, giving her big, beaming smiles.

High above her, Anzu watched her through a window, a proud smile on her face.

* * *

As the queen watched her grow up, she became more and more obsessed with her own beauty. She bought a magic mirror from the enchantress and went to it every day, once at dawn and once at dusk, chanting the following phrase.

"Magic mirror, on the wall, who be the fairest of them all?" Anzu asked, threading her fingers through her short brown hair.

And every time, the mirror would reply...

"There are a fair many, tis true, but none, my Queen, be fairer than you." The younger girl in the mirror replied, giving her a thumbs-up.

"Aw, now you're just flattering me," Anzu giggled, twirling in front of it.

* * *

One morning while her husband was away at war, however, as the queen chanted the phrase, the mirror gave her a slightly different answer.

* * *

"You are fair, my queen, tis true, but the maiden Miho be fairer than you." The brunette girl shrugged.

"Who's Miho?" Anzu blinked, confused.

Shizuka, the mirror maiden, sighed. "You are fair, my queen, tis true, but the maiden _Snow White_ be fairer than you."

Anzu nodded in realization. " _Ohhhhh_." Then she gasped. "OH!"

* * *

The queen flew into a jealous rage, ordering her most trusted huntsman to take the girl into the woods, far from any prying eyes, and lose her there.

* * *

"Don't, uh, hurt her too badly," Anzu hesitantly said, eyeing Marik from her throne. Then she sighed, snapping, "Just, um... dammit, I don't know! I don't even want to kill her because she's _beautiful_ , y'know? If she didn't have such a deadbeat dad, then maybe I'd get along with her better! But I never get time alone because he's always going around, fighting other kingdoms and taking their stuff, and I'm the one stuck watching _his_ daughter!"

She pulled out a locket with the visage of a beautiful woman with wavy blonde hair and a gentle smile inside the cover, out of her dress. "You see this? We weren't even going to war with that western kingdom, yet he took the poor man's eye _and_ his locket!" She sighed, crossing herself awkwardly with one hand. "Rest in peace, Cynthia. May your poor husband not hold a grudge."

"This... wasn't exactly what I was expecting when you said you had a 'job' for me, but I'll go with it," Marik shrugged, sheathing and pocketing the Rod. "What, should I drop her off and pick her up in a few days?"

"Sure, whatever," Anzu waved a hand distractedly, slumping against the throne. "Anything to get some time to myself... maybe I'll see if that prince of the Kaiba kingdom is available to hang out with. God knows I'll need a backup plan if that stupid Bakura gets himself killed over sea."

"... you mean overseas?"

"No, over _sea_." Anzu slammed her fist onto the armrest of the throne, looking quite angry. "That idiot is picking a fight with some guy named Dartz of the Atlantic kingdom in the middle of the sea. I almost _hope_ he dies."

...Somewhere, on a battleship in the middle of the sea, King Bakura let loose a hearty sneeze. It splattered his map, and he grimaced.

"Gross," he sniffled, wiping his nose on his sleeve.

* * *

And so the huntsman did just that. He took the princess and left her in the woods, threatening her not to come back to the castle until he came back for her. Poor Snow White was horribly frightened and ran off, pursued by bear.

* * *

"HEEEEEEELP MEEEEEEE!" Miho screeched, linebacker-booking-it through the forest, not daring to look back at the giant behemoth of bear that was chasing her.

The bear roared at her, giving chase. It was quite fast, but Miho had a lot of practice running from her nursemaids (her stepmother hired one guy named Ushio that one time... it took her two full weeks of training herself to outpace him).

Snow White ran for hours until she came across a clearing with a little cottage and a river. Tired, hungry, and thirsty, she knocked on the door and promptly collapsed in a faint on the doorstep.

Only fifteen minutes later, the owners of the house came marching back home...

"HI-HOOOOOOOO!" A loud bellowing echoed across the forest.

A sigh and an annoyed look from Ryuuji. "Hiroto, you know this isn't Disney, right?"

"W- well, I figured some singing would raise morale!" Hiroto sputtered, face burning a bright red.

Ryou chuckled. "I appreciate the enthusiasm, but I'd honestly rather take a shower and get to bed."

"We may not have gotten much today, but there's always tomorrow!" Yugi reassured with a bright smile.

"Sure, sure," Malik grumbled, lugging a large pickaxe over his shoulder.

"Yug's right!" Jounouchi wrapped an arm around his neck with a grin. "C'mon, have some pep in that step!"

"I'm so tired," the shortest and youngest of them all, Mokuba, moaned.

The seven 'brothers' marched into the clearing, stopped when Hiroto gasped loudly.

"What is it _now_?" Malik irritably asked, peeking over.

"It's a girl!" Hiroto exclaimed, blushing at the sight. "Quick, we need to get her inside so that she can rest properly! That dirt is going to ruin her dress!"

"Doesn't she look kinda... familiar?" Ryou hummed, raising an eyebrow at Yugi.

Yugi shrugged. "I dunno, I don't read the news."

Together, two of the brothers brought the maiden inside. They sat her down on the couch as they drew straws to figure out who would get her bed. In the end, Malik lost, but Hiroto enthusiastically announced that she could take his bed, and he'd sleep on the couch.

Malik took his victory in stride, muttering 'simpleton' under his breath as Hiroto made her comfortable in his bed.

"Well, what should we do now?" Ryuuji asked, leaning against the wall. "Clean up and make dinner?"

"Sounds good to me," Ryou agreed. "I believe it's my turn to cook tonight."

* * *

Hours later, Snow White awoke to the seven brothers eating and drinking merrily. Completely misunderstanding the situation, she took one look at the boys and screamed.

"Whoa, whoa, calm down, lady!" Jounouchi rose his hands in surrender. "First off, it's rude to wake up and start screaming. Second, you were unconscious on our doorstep, and we brought you inside."

"Where am I? Who are you? Whose bed is this?" Miho was on the verge of hyperventilating.

"One, you're in our cottage," Jounouchi repeated slowly, an incredulous look on his face. "Two, we're the owners of said cottage, and three, that's Hiroto's."

Hiroto stood from the table, bowing at the waist to her. "It's an honor to give up my bed for you, milady!"

Miho blinked slowly, sitting back against the headboard. "O...kay... well, um, what are your names?"

"I'm Jounouchi, the oldest," he nodded to her before pointing out the others. "Next is Ryuuji, then Hiroto, as you met, then Yugi, then Ryou, then Malik, and Mokuba." Each other boys either nodded, said hello, or waved when their name was said.

"Well, I'm Princess Miho," the girl said, "but you may know me by my nickname of Snow White."

To her bewilderment, none of the men knew who she was.

"We don't read the news here," Yugi offered with a sympathetic smile. "But you must've gone a long way from home to end up way out here. You're almost to the border between this kingdom and the Kaiba kingdom."

"Well, it's nice to meet you all, but I really must be getting home," Miho started to slide her legs over the side of the bed before she cried out in pain, hand going for her ankle.

Ryou walked over, kneeling before her. "Let me see," he instructed, gingerly sliding back her skirts to inspect her leg.

Miho watched him in awe as he looked over her bruises and scratches with a critical eye. Finally, he nodded and stood with a smile. "You've just got a sprained ankle, Princess. Would you like to stay until it heals?"

"Y- yes!" She squeaked, cheeks flushing red as she took his outstretched hand.

Hiroto simmered in jealousy at the table while Jounouchi just patted his back.

* * *

True to her word, Snow White stayed with the seven brothers for as long as it took her injuries to heal. They granted her free roam over their property just as long as she helped them with chores. Her only rule was that she shouldn't eat the fruit growing on the fringe of the property, as it would poison and kill her. Intimidated, the princess agreed not to eat it.

Meanwhile, the huntsman came back to the forest and realized that the girl had disappeared. He went to her stepmother, who grew panicked. (He may have 'accidentally' forgotten to tell her that she probably made her way to the seven brothers' house, as he was quite close with Malik and Ishizu, Malik's enchantress sister.) She wrote a hasty letter to the king, demanding he come home to search for his daughter with her (he promptly read it, laughed, and threw it away before throwing a harpoon at Dartz) before going out herself in search of the girl. After a day of fruitless searching, she penned a letter to her old friend, Prince Atem, for help in finding her.

Snow White spend the next three days lounging about, helping wash the clothes or mending them with a needle and thread. She wasn't used to doing much manual labor, but she could cook and clean clothes, which greatly lessened the strain of dinner on the boys.

But on the morning of the fourth day, she grew restless. She decided to go out and pick some fruits from the garden for dessert that night. She took a basket and went out to the little garden, picking peaches off the trees and plucking tasty raspberries from their bushes.

All went well until she came to the edge of the garden. A delicious, cherry-red wild apple was growing from a tree, and she reached out to pick it. But then the words of the brothers came to her, and she hesitated.

Deciding that you only live once anyway, she picked it and added it to the basket before walking back inside. The 16-year-old princess may have been beautiful and intelligent, but she wasn't very good at following orders (such as the ordeal with Ushio, her appalled ex-servant).

Once she sat the basket down on the table, she decided to try a bit of the apple herself to see if the brothers were really telling the truth about it being poisonous. So she cut a big honkin' slice and popped it in her mouth. It was utterly divine, sweet and juicy and _oh dear Ra there goes the poison._

Snow White collapsed to the ground, unconscious, for the second time in a week, although this time she wasn't easily getting back up.

* * *

Hours later, the brothers came home, only to find her on the ground.

"What did I tell her? What did I freaking tell her?" Malik shouted, spying the evil-looking apple on the table. "I tell her not to eat the apple, and what does she do? She eats the apple! We don't have very many rules around here, y'know! It's so easy to just follow that one!"

"It's okay, just calm down, it'll just-" Yugi tried to console, gently slapping the princess's cheek to try and wake her. "The poison isn't even a 'poison', really, it's more of a sedative, so she'll wake up in a while-"

"She ate a huge chunk out of it, she ain't getting up any time soon!" Joey exclaimed, examining the apple with a surprised whistle.

"Perhaps true love's kiss will do the trick!" Hiroto offered, cracking his knuckles. "If nothing else, perhaps I should-"

"Not on your life, dude, that's creepy!" Ryuuji yelled, holding him back.

"Let's just set her outside for a while, maybe the sunlight will help speed up the process," Ryou heavily sighed, getting ready to lift.

"She's too heavy!" Mokuba cried, struggling under the weight of her torso. "Help! Someone lift her legs!"

The brothers worked together to lay her down on a soft blanket under the shade of a nearby tree outside so that the warm sunlight could hopefully wake her up faster. They each took turns watching over her, praying that the fragile teenage girl could recover from eating enough sedative to knock out a grown man.

* * *

Meanwhile, the queen and Prince Atem rode through the forest on horseback, calling for Snow White. Anzu had written Bakura another letter (after _he_ sent her a letter with only a middle finger drawn on it), threatening to burn his Ye Olde Duele Monsters cards unless he came back home, so he was on his way too.

"Remind me again why you thought this was a good idea... at _all?"_ Atem sighed, giving his friend an annoyed look.

"I thought she would do something useful for once, like stay put and make some flower crowns or something!" Anzu exclaimed, scanning the trees for any sign of the girl. "I can't believe I forgot about how much she doesn't listen."

"Well, now she's lost, and I could be dueling my cousin, but instead I'm helping you. No offense."

"Full offense, but I don't care."

"Fair enough."

The two kept going through the forest until at last they got to the clearing, where they saw one of the brothers, Yugi, keeping watch over the princess.

"Whoa," Atem breathed, staring right at them in a daze.

"I know she's pretty, but she's not gonna marry you," Anzu hotly snapped. "She doesn't seem interested at all in men. It's kind of weird, but who am I to judge when I'm married to someone who's literally gone seven months out of the year just pillaging other nations?"

Atem got off the horse, ignoring her, walking straight for them. Yugi looked up and stared in surprise at the newcomers, and more specifically, the prince.

Atem walked right past the blanket and instead knelt beside Yugi, taking his hands in his.

"My prince," Yugi gasped, bowing as much as he could while sitting on the blanket. "It's an honor!"

"Please, you needn't bow to me." Atem caught his chin and tilted it up, smiling kindly at him. "Call me Atem. What, might I inquire, is your name, treasure?"

Anzu's jaw dropped. "What the _fu_ -"

* * *

"Boy, I sure do hope she'll wake up sometime soon," Ryou observed with a sigh, glancing over at the fruit in between pages of his comic book. "I have the perfect peach cobbler recipe that I could use her help with."

"I'm actually starting to miss the broad, and she's just unconscious," Jounouchi added with a frown. He paused to peek out the window. "What's Yug doing out there...?"

"Hm?" Ryuuji joined him at the window. After a moment, he guffawed. "Who would have thought!"

"Lemme see, lemme see!" Mokuba demanded, hopping up and down to try and see better.

"Let's just go outside," Malik offered.

The brothers exited the cottage, only to find Yugi and the prince sitting on his horse, the former looking quite sheepishly at his brothers. Two more had joined them now, an annoyed-looking brunet man and a distracted white-haired man both standing around.

"Who the hell are you?" Jounouchi asked.

"Who the hell are _you_?" The woman snapped back.

"I asked you first." He retorted.

"I asked you second." She groused.

Both blinked in confusion for a moment before they snapped out of it when Malik exclaimed, "Are you _finally_ here to take the princess back?"

"How'd you know she was the- never mind, she probably told you," Seto shook his head with an irritated sigh. "Come _on_ , Atem, you got who you wanted, let's go."

The man simply gave his cousin a glare, holding the boy closer. "Hush now Seto, I'm getting acquainted with my fiance."

"You've known him for two minutes!"

"It's been five minutes and thirty-seven seconds actually, but go off I guess."

Mokuba pressed up from the rear, staring at them with wonder. "Whoa, we never get to see royalty... it's kind of underwhelming."

"M- Mokuba?" Seto suddenly seemed to recognize him, gaping openly at the boy.

"Um... yes?" he arched an eyebrow.

The tall man suddenly raced over and hugged him tight, kneeling before him.

"I found you, I finally found you!" Seto exclaimed, pulling back so that he could see the boy's face. "Do you remember me? I'm your older brother, Seto."

"That name... does sound familiar," Mokuba observed with a hum. "Are you really my brother?"

Seto just hugged him again.

The white-haired man looked up from his book, only to see Ryou staring at him. He straightened his posture when he noticed the book his doppelganger was holding, and walked over, intrigued. "You read Ye Olde Duele Monsters?"

"Of course, it's the best comic of all time." Ryou breathed. "I- I'm Ryou."

"Bakura." The king looked him over quickly. Then he turned to Anzu, "I'm divorcing you!"

"Finally! Thank God!" She shouted. "Seto, marry me!"

"No!" He yelled back, picking Mokuba up to carry him away.

"Fuck." She hissed.

Jounouchi finally snapped out of it and started going after Seto. "Hey, whoa whoa whoa whoa, you can't just separate us like that! We're all family!"

Seto paused, turning to give the blond an unimpressed once-over. "Mokuba, we're going home."

"Can we keep Jou at least?" Mokuba pouted, giving him the puppy eyes. "Pleeeeeease?"

Seto gave the teenager one more once-over, and sighed. "Fine." Between Jounouchi's spluttering, he grabbed his wrist and pulled him back towards the horse too.

Meanwhile, Hiroto tried mustering up the courage to kiss Miho awake, with Ryuuji as his reluctant hype man. Just before his lips touched hers, though, her eyelids fluttered open.

She froze, looking up at him for a moment before screaming. "PERVERT!" She cried, slapping him away and scrambling to her feet, running to Anzu.

Hiroto sulked on the blanket, nursing both his wounded pride and his stinging cheek as Ryuuji sighed, patting him halfheartedly on the back. "There there," he mumbled. "You'll get the next one."

* * *

And so our story comes to an end. The prince married Yugi, the king divorced Anzu and married his doppelganger, Seto found his long-lost younger brother and took Jounouchi with him (and later married him after Mokuba's exclamation of "Just _kiss_ already!"), Ryuuji and Hiroto made their way to the village to try their luck on women there, Malik and Marik lived comfortably together with Ishizu in the cottage, and Snow White stayed single. The end.


End file.
